Wednesday, June 29, 2011

God will provide

Yesterday morning, there was almost nothing in the house to eat. Not figuratively, but literally. We have used up most of the food in the pantry. I have flour and sugar and the things to cook with, but not much else.  I set off to the park for a lunch with my mother's group, putting aside my worries for the moment to spend the time with friends. On my way home, I found an unopened can of beer. I picked it up and brought it home, put it in the refrigerator and promptly forgot about it until I went to figure out what to cook for dinner.

As I was searching for a recipe that might allow me to make a quick bread without eggs or milk, I stumbled across a recipe for beer bread. That's when I realized that God, in His infinite wisdom, had indeed provided for me and my family.  The beer bread, along with the three small potatoes I had to roast, and some tea made a dinner that was just enough for the three of us.

This past week, my prayers have all been about doing God's will.  I want my will to be in complete conformity with His, and I know that it isn't.  Two years ago, I came up with an idea to do a Poverty Awareness Walk from our home in Texas all the way to Washington D.C.  I planned the route, began to let people know, and then talked to my family.  My husband gave me reluctant support.  At one point, we were trying to come to an agreement on when to do this walk.  The first date we picked out of the bowl was 2011. In the end, though I ended up dropping the plans I'd made. My husband didn't feel he could do it and he didn't think it was good for our son.  However, that idea stayed with me.

A few weeks ago, I had a dream in which my husband and I were in Texas.  There was a crisis coming, and everyone we knew was leaving for Oklahoma (if you knew how most Texans feel about Oklahoma, you would understand that this was truly an act of God). Randy and I, however, set out walking toward the southeast. Eddie wasn't with us although I don't know why or where he was, but I do know he existed.

Today, as I was walking to Mass, it hit me that I have been fighting against God's will for my life for 35 years. Every where that I have lived, I have sought to find a way to buy a home. I have never succeeded. Every where that I have gone, I have sought to start a business or to build wealth. The result has always been to put me further behind. I have sought positions that would require me to live somewhere for a long time, and I have never once been selected for that.  In short, I have tried to live as the world has told me will bring me happiness and I have found nothing except unhappiness in that.

During daily Mass, Father talked about Saint Peter and Saint Paul. He spoke about the fact that the two were very different men, with very different approaches to serving the Lord.  Paul, he said, was the man who got things started. He went and he built and he set people on fire for the Lord and then he went on to the next place.  He did not stick around and maintain what he built, he left that in the hands of others. It was an affirmation of my earlier conclusion.

God did not create me to fit in, but to stand out. He did not create me to be stationary, but to be mobile. I have never been afraid to speak my mind, and that quality about me makes me ideal for spreading His message to others. I love the stage and the attention that comes from performing, and that quality makes me ideal to sing His praise.  God has not provided me a home, an income, or a supportive family.  He has, however, provided me the exact right environment and the talents needed to do His work. He has created a missionary.

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