Friday, April 20, 2012

Aspirations

I was five years old when I hatched my first money-making scheme. It was sheer genius, if I do say so myself. My friend's family had taken me blackberry picking with them. My plan was to smoosh the juices out of the blackberries, dry the juice in the sun which (in theory) would leave behind flavored powder - like kool-aid - which I would then sell.  Needless to say, it did not go as planned. 

Undeterred, I convinced my mother to enroll me in modeling classes.  I had big plans for myself. I was going to go to Hollywood and become a star. My mother, however, soon disabused me of this notion. She said that when I got to be an adult I was more than welcome to go to Hollywood if I so chose but no daughter of hers was going to be involved in that.  By the time I got anywhere close to old enough, I was too short to be a model. 

I have always dreamed of owning a large house on a lot of land complete with many horses. I have always dreamed of being wealthy, or at the very least not owing anything to anyone and living comfortably off my own business.  I have dreamed very often of being famous, of being well-known and much-admired. In short, I have been full of aspirations.

As I have faced the ending of my temporary assignment with the City of Elko, my husband and I began fervently to pray for God's will for the next step in our lives. Someone who knew us, who knew that I owned my own business (or at least, owned a business license), sent us a request-for-proposal for web design work.  It was a huge opportunity if we could land it, and it seemed like maybe God was saying it was time to start our business in earnest.

Then we lost our power due to an inability to pay the bill. Suddenly a future that had seemed potentially very bright was cast into (literal) darkness. Our lease agreement requires us to have electricity on in our names. Our landlords, who have been so kind and patient for the last year, are showing signs of running out of patience and we feared this might be the last straw. I struggled to accept this turn of events, to understand what God wanted from me.  We turned to our friends for help, and some came, but it was not enough to meet the need. 

Tears were shed over the next 24 hours, until I finally decided to give up my aspirations. All of them. If God wants me poor, I will be the poorest of them all.  If God wants me to have work, I will work at whatever job He provides. My only aspiration is this: To do God's will and to serve Him faithfully.  That's the only aspiration I have left. I do not know what tomorrow will bring me, and it no longer matters. What matters to me today, this minute, this hour, is that what I do is His will.

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